Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Bad/Awesome Flixxx Review: Rock'n'Roll Nightmare (1987)

"You've overstepped your line again, Bub. There's a creator's highest law that keeps you in your dark place and yet you and your brethren still insist on coming into this world and trying to steal a place in the world of the living. When will you ever learn?" - Triton

"This is incredible! It is almost no fun to kill one so stupid as to not know who it is that slays him. You are in my domain, and I will kill you as I have killed your pitiful friends." - Demon

"Or is it less familiar to call you Beelzebub? Or do you prefer Abaddon; or as the Hindus called you, Shaitan; or as you are known to answer to, Ahriman? Belial? Apollyon? Asmodeus? Because, you see... I *do* know you." - Triton

Originally titled THE EDGE OF HELL, this piece of Canadian garbage is REALLY bad. No disrespect to Canada. I love Canada, Canadians, their cities, their country, their food (poutine and pogos), their comedy, their weed, and most of all their music (Rush, April Wine, Voivod). Herein lies the problem. This movie stars an awesome Canadian Rock Star, none other than Thor! But man. I don't know what to say. Its a direct to video piece of camp trash. Shot probably with a camcorder definitely in seven days, you can bet this bad boy went straight to video. Now, if anyone has a copy they wanna pass my way, that's a different story. Thor and some of his friends in ROCK'N'ROLL NIGHTMARE!!! (There's no trailer available anywhere, so you'll have to watch this scene. And careful because it DOES CONTAIN SPOILERS!!!)

So in the beginning of this film, a pretty hot mom is making breakfast for her son and husband. She's mumbling to herself about something and (cut upstairs to the husband looking in the mirror) she starts screaming. He runs downstairs and sees the oven shaking and slowly opens it. BOOM! Red smoke and a really fake skeleton with googly eyes pops out and he screams. Then we see a kid on the staircase looking down into the kitchen saying "mommy?", then screaming-- and I'm PRETTY sure it was the fucking "redrum" kid from THE SHINING. Roll intro cards.

While the cards are rolling we get a wild POV shot of the camera running quickly on the floor like we are looking through a dog or cats eyes, or some other little small creature from the synth soundtrack. Then a badass vans hauls ass down the highway. The van is headed up to the same old house from the beginning. But it doesn't arrive until dusk. Out jumps Thor and his band Triton and their girlfriends. They are there to record an album for the next five weeks and its supposedly ten years later. "A month to come up with ten minutes of new music". HAHAHAHA! The van is SO badass, but we're supposed to believe that like 11 people came with them in it? So they start figuring out the living situations. This leads us to believe that there will be much pairing off for dirty 80s sex. Then the evil winds start blowing.

Then they have dinner! Then they go out to the barn to ROCKNROLL! The girl's wash the dishes except the bitchy one. They perform a song called, "We live to rock". Its really bad. Slash awesome. The drummer's girlfriend starts getting all hot and bothered. A little one eyed dick monster pukes in the manager/recording engineers beer. Then they all freak out because he breaks a stick on the last hit of the song.?? The manager goes to get sticks from the basement. Then the drummer's girlfriend comes down and takes her shirt off and starts hitting on him. Its confusing. I think maybe it was supposed to be her drink that got the cyclops dick puke in it. I don't know. She bites his neck and he screams for a minute and then everyone finally hears it at the same time. Ridiculous. So he is disappeared with the van, and so everyone peels off to bang each other.

Thor finds the sticks and knows something foul is going down. A hot chick/gross monster kills the drummer/takes over is body. Groupies show up to hang with the band and the manager shows back up and is creepy as hell telling them to go to the basement and pull out their boobs. Then the next day the band rocks another jam in the barn. "Energy... takes me where I want to be"... Then they all go to have more sex. A huge hand comes out of the drummer's chest and grabs his girls tit. Then yes more sex. Then a little boy shows up and everyone chases him around to find out who he is. Then he has a dog face. Then everyone disappears. Then the little dick monsters run rampant. Then Thor's chick turns into a huge Demon. Thor keeps calling it Bub. Then we find out because its name is Beezlebub. Then they have a really long fight. There's another complete song during the fight. Thor explains the whole thing to Bub. Apparently none of his friends were real and the whole thing was a trap set up to bring out the demon to kill him. Then why did they make us sit through it? BOGUS ending! Anyway, should you watch this? I recommend other bad rock horror movies instead such as TRICK OR TREAT, or SHOCK 'EM DEAD. They're bad too, but ... one has Traci Lords and the other is at least halfway funny.

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