Saturday, April 2, 2011
bad/awesome flixxx review: Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978)
"Technically sir, tomatoes are fags."- Dr 1.
"He means fruits."- Dr 2.
"Last year, more people were killed by automobile accidents, heart attacks, lung cancer, and natural causes combined than by any one tomato."- radio announcer
I've heard about this movie forever but had never seen it until this weekend. I watched the trailer and this looked like a Troma version of Airplane! style slapstick. BUT... it sucked. Pretty bad. So bad that I don't even want to review it. So bad I just want to move on and try to forget it. It wasn't the worst thing I've ever seen, but it was a chore to sit through. Watching bad flicks is usually a pleasure for me, and I even asked my little Earth brother if he wanted to watch this with me, as I thought I was really into "Naked Gun" style humor at his age. I thought that was the style of humor this was trying to achieve, if it was, then it failed. I think I was just wrong though. It was more of a spoof on B style movies. If they were going for that, I think they should have made it in black and white. However, probably the most enjoyable moment of the movie was the beginning credits when the bright red tomatoes slam and slosh into the screen. A bunch of nobodies in a very famous independent film called ATTACK OF THE KILLER TOMATOES!!!!
My first experience with Attack of the Killer Tomatoes was seeing the cartoon version in the 80s that was based on this movie and its sequel. I'm not going to do a plot rundown of this one because to be honest it was pretty hard to even stay awake through it. The story was simple enough, it just went on and on- like a car that gets really good gas mileage. That was my attempt to write a noir one liner. I just made myself laugh out loud for about 3 or 4 minutes rereading that over and over-like a man who's trying not to burn his tortilla. You may not think those make any sense- like how they ended Lost. OR- why they would ever phase out Cheddar Jalapeno Cheetos.
But if you need a reason to be worked over mentally, this one is about a tomato for whatever reason gets pissed and kills this lady. Then somehow all the other tomatoes are like fuck it, and they start raging. A guy named Mason Dixon is called in to stop the tomatoes and issued a crack team of silly specialists. The main specialist is a pilot who goes the whole movie with his parachute dragging behind his back. The tomatoes gain power and start killing people everywhere. They kill most of the team and then somehow Mason uncovers a secret.
Some press secretary dude or something was the guy behind the guy. Or tomatoes. And Mason also figures out if you play the hit single "Puberty Love" by Donnie Osmund, the tomatoes would shrink. Then the citizens revolt on the tomatoes. End of story. Pretty bad. Don't worry about seeing it. I've heard the sequel is better. We'll have to see.
UPDATE!!! My friend Gary says I was wrong about the cartoon. It was the 90s, not the 80s. Sorry Gary. Also I was just gonna look over this one and see if I had anything else to add, but nope, fuck it, this was grade A garbage. My brother liked it though, so if you're 9, check it out.